Most couples don’t walk into my office and say, “We have trouble being vulnerable.”
They say:
“We can’t communicate.”
“He doesn’t listen to me.”
“She shuts me out.”
“Everything turns into an argument.”
“We love each other, but we don’t feel close anymore.”
After working with couples for many years, I have learned to listen for what is underneath those words.
Sometimes I am sitting across from a grown man who looks angry, defensive or completely shut down. But I can almost feel the frightened little boy underneath putting on his armor.
And I may ask him:
“Can you feel that little boy putting on his armor right now?”
“Who is talking to me?”
“What are you afraid of?”
The same thing happens with women. The adult woman in front of me may be angry, critical or withdrawing, while underneath is a frightened little girl protecting herself from being hurt again.
That is why Vulnerability is Key #1 of The Arvon Method™.
What Is Vulnerability?
Vulnerability is not weakness.
Vulnerability is having the courage to recognize the armor we have learned to wear and allowing the person we love to see the fear, hurt, longing or need underneath it.
“You don’t care about me. You’re always on that phone.”
“When I’m talking to you and you’re looking at your phone, I feel unimportant. I miss feeling that you want to hear what I have to say.”
One message attacks.
The other reveals.
And revealing what is really happening inside us creates the possibility for connection.
Don’t Argue With the Armor. Find the Person Underneath It.
Many of the behaviors that cause conflict between couples are actually forms of protection.
From the outside, these behaviors can look like anger, indifference or rejection. But underneath them there is often fear:
“I am afraid you will leave me.”
“I am afraid I am not enough for you.”
“I am afraid you don’t love me anymore.”
“I am afraid that if I need you too much, you will hurt me.”
“I am afraid that if you really know me, you won’t want me.”
The behavior your partner sees isn’t always the feeling you are protecting.
When couples learn to recognize that distinction, something begins to change.
Instead of fighting only about the behavior, they can begin talking about the person underneath it.
Speak Your Truth—With Grace
In 7 Keys to Successful Relationships: The Arvon Method, I encourage couples to speak their truth: say what you mean and mean what you say.
7 Keys to Successful Relationships: The Arvon Method
By Dr. Coral Arvon
But vulnerability does not mean saying every angry thought that enters your mind.
It means learning to speak honestly without using honesty as a weapon.
“You never want to spend time with me.”
“I miss you. I miss us. I want to feel close to you again.”
“You obviously don’t find me attractive anymore.”
“I’ve been feeling insecure lately, and I’m afraid you don’t desire me the way you once did.”
Those statements require courage because now your partner can see you.
You have taken off some of the armor.
Why Vulnerability Comes Before Validation
There is a reason Vulnerability is the first key in The Arvon Method™ and Validation follows it.
One partner has to risk revealing what is underneath.
Then the other partner has to make it safe for that truth to have been revealed.
Vulnerability takes off the armor. Validation makes it safe to keep the armor off.
When that begins happening between two people, communication changes.
Instead of two protective systems fighting each other, two human beings begin finding each other again.
The Language of Love
At the heart of The Arvon Method™ is what I call the Language of Love.
Love isn’t communicated only through the words “I love you.” We communicate love through the way we listen, the way we respond, our facial expressions, our touch, our appreciation, our respect and the emotional safety we create for one another.
The goal is not to become one person.
A healthy relationship consists of two separate people who can remain themselves while choosing to be securely connected to one another.
And that connection begins with allowing yourself to be known.
So the next time you feel yourself becoming angry, defensive, controlling or withdrawn with your partner, try asking yourself a different question:
What am I afraid of right now?
Then ask an even braver one:
Can I let the person I love see what’s underneath my armor?
That is vulnerability.
And it is the first key to learning the Language of Love.
Dr. Coral Arvon
Dr. Coral Arvon is a relationship expert, psychotherapist, author of 7 Keys to Successful Relationships: The Arvon Method, and creator of The Arvon Method™, a 7 Keys approach designed to help couples develop securely connected relationships.