The Power of Truly Hearing Each Other
How Deep Listening Transforms Couples, Families, and Every Relationship.
By Dr. Coral Arvon
In my 35+ years as a psychologist working with couples, marriages, parents, and families, I have learned something profound:
Most people are not really arguing about what they think they are arguing about.
They are fighting to be heard.
Whether it’s a husband and wife who feel disconnected, a dating couple who keeps repeating the same conflict, or a parent and child who feel misunderstood — beneath the tension is a longing:
“Do you see me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you really hearing what I’m trying to say?”
When people feel deeply heard, relationships become safer.
When relationships feel safe, they become more connected.
And when there is connection, joy returns.
Why Couples and Families Stop Hearing Each Other
In modern relationships — especially in long-term marriages — partners often fall into reactive communication:
- Interrupting
- Defending
- Correcting
- Problem-solving too quickly
- Listening to respond instead of listening to understand
The nervous system gets activated. Old wounds surface. Childhood patterns replay.
And suddenly, a simple disagreement about dinner becomes a fight about respect, loyalty, or love.
The same happens between parents and children.
A child’s anger may really be fear.
A spouse’s criticism may really be loneliness.
A partner’s withdrawal may really be shame.
But unless someone slows down and truly listens — the real message gets missed.
What Is Imago Therapy (The Couples Therapy People Ask Me About)?
One of the most powerful tools I use in couples counseling is Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Even Oprah has spoken about how transformative the Imago process can be.
Imago Therapy is based on a beautiful and hopeful idea:
We unconsciously choose partners who help us heal unfinished childhood wounds.
But instead of healing, we often recreate the original pain — unless we learn how to communicate differently.
At the heart of Imago Therapy is a structured dialogue that teaches partners how to:
- Mirror each other (repeat back what they heard)
- Validate each other’s experience
- Express empathy
- Stay regulated instead of reactive
It sounds simple — but it is life-changing.
When someone feels accurately mirrored, something shifts neurologically.
The body relaxes.
Defensiveness softens.
Connection returns.
The Importance of Feeling Safe in Relationships
Whether you are dating, married for 30 years, or navigating co-parenting after divorce, emotional safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
Safety means:
- I can express myself without being attacked.
- I can make a mistake without being shamed.
- I can say, “I’m hurt,” and be met with care instead of defensiveness.
When couples feel safe, intimacy deepens.
When children feel safe, they open up.
When parents feel heard, they soften.
Safety is not weakness — it is strength.
How Deep Listening Creates Joy
Joy in relationships does not come from perfection.
It comes from repair.
Couples who thrive are not couples who never fight.
They are couples who know how to come back to each other.
When you truly hear your partner say,
“I don’t feel important to you,”
instead of arguing about facts…
When you truly hear your teenager say,
“You don’t understand me,”
instead of correcting behavior…
When you truly hear your spouse say,
“I miss us,”
instead of defending…
That is where reconnection begins.
And reconnection brings joy.
Marriage Counseling and Relationship Therapy in South Florida
In my practice at Arvon & Associates, we help couples, parents, and families slow down reactive cycles and learn how to hear what is really being said.
Whether you are:
- Dating and repeating unhealthy patterns
- Married and feeling distant
- Parents struggling with communication
- Navigating betrayal or trust issues
- Feeling unseen or unappreciated
Relationship therapy can help you move from conflict to connection.
Using Imago Therapy, attachment-based therapy, and evidence-based communication tools, we create a safe space where both people feel understood.
Because when both people feel heard, love becomes easier.
Final Thought
Underneath anger is hurt.
Underneath criticism is longing.
Underneath distance is fear.
If we can learn to hear the deeper message — in marriage, in parenting, in dating — we create safer, stronger, more joyful relationships.
And that changes everything.
